orpheus in the underworld _OR_a short story entitled "me"

Chapter ???: Where in the World Is Adrienne?

Sun, 14 Oct 2007 20:04:20 GMT

I don't imagine anyone was actually scanning the interwebs, trying desperately
to find my tufty red hat and striped scarf...but if you were, I can now be found

HERE

miss some of y'all terribly.

Chapter 96: Polytechnique?

Wed, 13 Sep 2006 22:58:00 GMT

ohmygodohmygodohmygod

Chapter 95: Gourmand, Gourmet, Gourmandise

Sun, 03 Sep 2006 00:48:10 GMT

So, okay.

I was out having lunch with two buds from Kingston this afternoon, and as is my particular wont, I was going on about the quality
of the food/service; what they did wrong, how they could do better, what they didn't think of doing, so on and so forth.

Suddenly, one of my charming friends interrupted my rant to say:

"You know, you should just get a blog Adrienne so you can write all these opinions down,
and then we wouldn't have to hear them anymore".

*Laughs*

Obviously, I pointed out that I already had a blog, one that was threatening to disappear into obscurity because of my ceaseless attempts to avoid writing in it - slash - thinking about my life in any real way - slash - realizing how happy or unhappy I really might be at the moment.

But what he had actually meant was a blog where I recorded my thoughts about restaurants and food and etc. I guess sort of like this site, which is maintained by Matt (of 146 Toronto street fame) and which I personally cannot get enough of.

Dunno if I'd go so far as to generate a whole new journal...maybe...

Anyways, I figured I'd try one out...but you know what the hilarious thing is? Just writing this introduction has sort of tired me out.
Anyone who's ever eaten ANYTHING with me, restaurant or no, knows that I have an excess of opinions when it comes to food. So don't worry, I'm sure that the very next time (maybe in like, two hours?) that I have some nonch, I'll fill y'all in on my criticisms.

One tidbit to whet your appetites (HAH. no pun originally intended):

I adore noticing the tiny places where restaurants have decided to save money...

Walking into a beautifully appointed new southern italian joint in my neighborhood, I noticed the artfully 'unfinished' brick walls, decidedly antique mahogany bar, exceptionally expensive wine list....and the paper napkins.

Why would you splurge on faux-tin ceilings, embroidered tableclothes, and monogrammed uniforms, yet not think to spend money on the one thing each and every customer is MOST ASSURED OF TOUCHING.
It's a crude analogy, but it's sort of like walking into a solid gold bathroom and discovering that they neglected to include a toilet seat.

Perhaps it's a relic of years of family picnics, but paper napkins say unfinished to me. Especially when everything else looks so, well, designed. Please note that I'm not talking here about Ma and Pa's fireside pork-grill, but the über trendy bistros that afflict the face of Toronto like a particularly bad case of acne. Every good restaurant should think their way through a typical meal, plan for contingencies, and just generally try to anticipate what a customer, though maybe not one as picky as me, might want and/or do. But a restuarant the uses paper napkins didn't think past getting them in, getting them down, and getting them ordering. So why does a meal in a resto that didn't get to thinking about the EATING part of their service just sort of give me pre-heartburn?
You tell me.

Chapter 94: Unfinished Thought

Wed, 31 May 2006 01:50:42 GMT

we think of pain as solitary, as individual. While shyly embarrassed, we think of pain as something we own, as our very own; grimacing, we tote it out on occasion, like the inappropriate gifts of relatives, useless trinkets which must still be kept in the interest of social grace. No one experienced childhood just like us, nobody suffered as we suffered, and if they did, they didn't do it in the same way, or rather, for the right reasons. The funny bit is that this pain, so often, is just misnamed loneliness. It's exclusion and segregation. We are individuals, gazing through misty musty glazed windows, longing for the group, just beyond the glass. So why, now, so many years later, do I ache and sigh over accounts of my youth, authored by somebody else? Shouldn't I feel relieved, empowered to understand that I played out a clockwork drama, well-oiled, if a bit rusty, that ran in the forties, the eighties, three times yesterday and again and again, countless times tomorrow? I re-read an old piece of mine that I wrote years and years ago, and one bit highlighted itself in my mind: "When I take off my glasses, I think, somehow, that I can finally see our underlying humanity...Two legs, two arms, pitiable attempts at symmetry. When things are out of focus, they become the most clear."

....

Life continues on apace.

Sun, 09 Apr 2006 17:07:26 GMT

woot woot.

toronto till wednesday...

Chapter 93: Recipe Envy

Tue, 04 Apr 2006 03:59:28 GMT

1 Steamy Bath
add equal parts,
Cigarettes, Whiskey, and
the March-April issue of Cook's Illustrated

ahhhhh...*growls in pleasure*

Chapter 92: Random Thoughts of an Insomniac at 3:30 in the Morning

Sat, 25 Mar 2006 08:32:38 GMT

My lips are puckered pockets
that taste of aluminum and tobacco
with a sandpaper tongue licking at the ocean
and the ocean is god
tonight
I've been pulling on my adam's ribs again
wishing that I hadn't wished you wished you were here
instead of there where
all the while she's dreaming
of the way you'll say goodnight
while my mouth replays the way your mouth moves
to say goodbye.

************
EDITED TO ADD:

Ala sent me this link to a Johari window...mapping out her personality characteristics...
The interesting thing was that people picked about 50% of the words she'd chosen to describe herself, and most had pretty high agreement on those words.
However, the really interesting thing, is that everybody also had high agreement on words Ala HAD NOT picked to describe herself...Interesting, interesting...this sort of thing being right up my alley....go ahead and try your luck with mine...

Chapter 91: My Turbid Pate

Tue, 21 Mar 2006 03:16:12 GMT

Alright - so Jess asked me to send her a pic of my newly frosted tête, but I decided to do her one better and post it for y'all to see!....

PRE-BALD(s)

***********

DURING-BALD(s)

***********

POST-BALD(s)

It looked funny at first, newly-shaven and whatnot...but it looks okay now that my hair has grown in a bit...
If anybody still wants to donate, I think that they're still accepting donations online
or you can slide them my direction until friday.
My total, for those who are interested in my hirsute economic value, was 285$...
and the total pull for the whole Queen's thingamajigger was ~35,000$.
Thanks again for those who donated before the big day.

Chapter 90: Kiss For Luck

Wed, 15 Mar 2006 04:39:03 GMT

I think that I'm probably the only person in the world who looks up at falling snowflakes
...and sees dandelions.

BOLD everything that applies to you:

01. I have never kissed someone of the same sex.
02. I see a therapist.
03. I'm the youngest child.
04. I am drawn to things associated with sadness.
05. I love my gauged earrings.
06. I wear black eyeliner every day.
07. I am extremely influenced by kindness.
08. I love to write.
09. I can't live without lipgloss.
10. I'm probably emotionally scarred.
11. I lived in Tahoe.
12. I spend money I don't have.
13. I'll be in college for over 4 years. (HAVE been)
14. I love designer handbags.
15. I've had a concussion before.
16. I'm not good with confrontation.
17. I loved the Backstreet Boys.
18. I have more than a couple horrible memories.
19. I'm addicted to Degrassi. No. But my favorite prof directed it.
20. I'm spiritual, but not religious.
21. My first kiss was unexpected.
22. I start school on January 4th or 5th.

23. I love taking pictures.
24. I hate girls who are fake.
25. I can be mean when I want to.
26. When I allow myself to get close to people, I get very attached.
27. I am bisexual. More like a Kinsey One or Two
28. I have way too many pairs of shoes.
29. I've seen She's All That at least 5 times.
30. I dress how I feel that day.
31. I love Charmed.
32. Sometimes I cry for almost no reason.
33. I hate when people are ridiculously late. (Sometimes anyway...)
34. I procrastinate.
35. Winter is my favorite season.
36. I have too many clothes for my closet/dresser. (Hard to tell sometimes...I'm not good about putting the clean ones back where they belong)
37. I love to sleep.
38. I wish I was smarter.
39. I believe that it is wrong to be gay.
40. I deal with a lot of drama.
41. No one really knows me.
42. I love my hair.
43. I sometimes fight with my parents. (Jesus...who fucking doesn't?)
44. I am passionate about my interests.
45. I have had the chicken pox.
46. I'm a hopeless romantic.
47. I feel empty sometimes.
48. I am/was most likely clinically depressed at a point in my life.
49. I am addicted to coffee.
50. I am very outgoing at times.
51. Christmas is my favorite holiday. I'm not big on "be happy or die" holidays
52. I can be very insecure.
53. I don't notice it, but I'm told I'm very softspoken.
54. I dislike ignorant people.
55. I love my laptop.
56. I love guys that play the guitar.
57. I state the obvious.
58. I'm a happy person.
59. I'm extremely mellow. (but I'm also a stress-case)
60. I contemplate suicide. I'm not even patriotic...I'm not sure if anything's worth dying for.
61. I hate cleaning my room.
62. I tend to get jealous. (Very vague...Jealous over what? who? Ambiguous, you see...)
63. I love to play video games.
64. I like John Mayer.
65. I get more upset when I see an animal hurt than a person.
66. I'm a vegetarian/vegan.
67. I don't like to study for tests.
68. I am too forgiving.
70. I have a good sense of direction.
71. I love school.
72. I've played a musical instrument for more than 5 years. (Many and more than one!)
73. I tend to feel inadequate.
74. I love to kiss people on the forehead. (Sure...why not)
75. I love the color pink.
76. I don't sew.
77. I am not addicted to drugs.
78. I (can) wear contacts.
79. President Bush is a complete and utter moron.
80. I become stressed easily.
81. I dont take critisism well.
82. Conformity is stupid.
83. Chris Carrabba is one of the sexiest men alive. I don't even know who this is...
84. So is Conor from Bright Eyes.
85. I love my family.
86. I don't mind getting shots.
87. I am a perfectionist when it comes to certain things.
88. I always wanted to learn to play the drums.
89. I can be too hard on myself.
90. I'm probably going to have/have had premarital sex.
91. I don't like my nose. I HATE when people pick stupid-ass specific things about their appearance that they don't like...Weight at least is an 'all-over' thing...
92. I am very religious.
93. I still act like a little kid.
94. I am ridiculously indecisive.
95. I believe in a higher power or some form of an afterlife.
96. I love music.
97. I'm in love. (always!)
98. I have problems letting go of people.
99. I tend to think with my heart more then my head.

hmmm...so many....tap yourselves if you feel the urge.

Chapter 89: Less and less.

Tue, 14 Mar 2006 03:14:36 GMT

we all have secrets...

and winter is coming.

Fairly accurate for a test with only two questions...

Sat, 11 Mar 2006 04:10:04 GMT

the Questioner
Test finished!

you chose CY - your Enneagram type is SIX.

"I am affectionate and skeptical"

Questioners are responsible, trustworthy, and value loyalty to family,
friends, groups, and causes. Their personalities range broadly from reserved
and timid to outspoken and confrontative.

How to Get Along with Me

Be direct and clear.

Listen to me carefully.

Don't judge me for my anxiety.

Work things through with me.

Reassure me that everything is OK between us.

Laugh and make jokes with me.

Gently push me toward new experiences.

Try not to overreact to my overreacting.

What I Like About Being a Six

being committed and faithful to family and friends

being responsible and hardworking

being compassionate toward others

having intellect and wit

being a nonconformist

confronting danger bravely

being direct and assertive

What's Hard About Being a Six

the constant push and pull involved in trying to make up my mind

procrastinating because of fear of failure; having little confidence
in myself

fearing being abandoned or taken advantage of

exhausting myself by worrying and scanning for danger

wishing I had a rule book at work so I could do everything right

being too critical of myself when I haven't lived up to my expectations

Sixes as Children Often

are friendly, likable, and dependable, and/or sarcastic, bossy, and
stubborn

are anxious and hypervigilant; anticipate danger

form a team of "us against them" with a best friend or parent

look to groups or authorities to protect them and/or question authority
and rebel

are neglected or abused, come from unpredictable or alcoholic families,
and/or take on the fearfulness of an overly anxious parent

Sixes as Parents

are often loving, nurturing, and have a strong sense of duty

are sometimes reluctant to give their children independence

worry more than most that their children will get hurt

sometimes have trouble saying no and setting boundaries

Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele

The Enneagram Made Easy

Discover the 9 Types of People

HarperSanFrancisco, 1994, 161 pages

You liked the test? so please RATE it...

but remember! it had only two questions!!! ;-)

You are not completely happy with the result?!

You chose CY

Would you rather have chosen:

AY (EIGHT)

BY (FOUR)

CX (TWO)

CZ (ONE)

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 0% on ABC
You scored higher than 57% on XYZ

Link: The Quick and Painless ENNEAGRAM Test written by felk on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Chapter 88: In spite of all the damage...

Tue, 07 Mar 2006 05:36:15 GMT

Hokay, SO...

Instead of calling the boy (that I urgently desire to speak to) I have to decided to sit at home and (finally?) post my BC pics...I have alot, so lot's of lj-cuts to follow...for those who don't wish to see the WHOLE play-by-play. NOTE: Some artful re-arranging of time might have occured in the interests of, well, INTEREST!

First Stop. Dorval. A.K.A. Pierre Elliott Trudeau.

where I proceed to take a reddiculous photograph of Jess trying to flirt with the 'Buddy Holly' steward ("they're known as flight attendants now, you know")
Note the artfully placed finger and the come-hither overexposure.

Arriving in Vancouver, we hitch a ride with some fellow 'green collegiates'
(which is this crazy COMMUNE - fuck residence, my love, it's a COMMUNE - where Jess spends her snores)
and the next step is finding some food!

unfortunately...food in Vancouver is...ummm...rather expensive

You see that???? That's ONE HUNDRED SMACKERS for a loaf of bread at the snazzy Yaletown market The Urban Fair...

We also turn our noses up at the 'truth in fruitcake'...

and settle on some holistic goodness...

Which we didn't buy here...but probably could have!

(oh and by the way, did I ever tell y'all that my pet peeve is people who treat their animals like children? Sure, I <3 Trillian...but SHE'S A CAT
Note the subtitle on the far wall: "Lifestyles for the Hip and Their Pets"

In attempt to work off our hearty meal, we decide

to do some longboarding

First Jess...

And then, the graceful, atheletic, beauty you know so well...

Note the goofy-grin and the artfully mismatched mitts...*cough*....no comment.

Next, we hit the beach...hoping for some nudies, no doubt...(did I mention this was a nude beach? Thank god for February rain and sleet)

The path down to the beach is a gorgeous forest trail...right around the corner from UBC; odd proximity to my east-coast eyes, but whatevs...

Although my nicotine-soaked lungs took the steps one at a time, Jess gleefully galumped from step to step. harumph. stupid healthy jess.

I have to admit, I took alot of photos of the beach (my latent Ansel probably) but I won't bore you with all of them...here are my favorite three:

UNO

DUO

TRIO

Jess wants to walk forever...but eventually I convince her that she has to go to class - slash - show me the rest of the city...so we leave.

and catch the AQUABUS (yes, the aquabus) into town...

I wish I had taken a photo OF the actual communal water-transport, all rainbow-colored 'n everything, but I didn't. So you'll have to settle for photos of us RIDING the hi-larious contraption:

there's that goofy grin again...jeez...

and a beautiful view from said contraption:

Note the duck to building ratio...

and lastly, but not least-ly, exhausted from our exertions...

we collapsed at the corner of Richards and Homer

and let the people in white coats take us away...

PHEW...and the end. ~by cookie monster...or something

Thu, 02 Mar 2006 21:05:18 GMT

soooooo...I've got alot of pics to post from BC...but fuck if I've got the energy.

Laterz, I promise (cross my heart).

life sucks. (well, a little bit anyway).

*********

EDITED TO ADD:

My "Sexual Function and Dysfunction" prof caught me after class yesterday and thanked me for all of my, quote unquote, "amazing contributions to class discussions". Apprarently, I always come at the info from a "new" and "interesting" way...and she "really hoped that everybody else noticed and paid attention to what I said, because SHE really DID"...HAH....Take THAT!

Chapter 87: Preliminary Thoughts

Mon, 20 Feb 2006 09:07:20 GMT

...SO just days before I left for B.C., I was told by someone I...ummmm...trust?...that I was really in his mind, an "east-coast" person.

Obviously haven't been here long enough to pass my own judgment on that yet. But I'll keep you posted.

In terms of the travelling so far: I made two very revelatory discoveries about myself. Firstly, that it's been over 5 years since my last plane trip (long before that september nonsense) and I hadn't the faintest idea about checking myself in and all that garbage (did you know that they've done the self-service thing in airports too now?). And secondly, that I have never, in fact, seen the Pacific ocean! Why that isn't something I knew about myself before - I can't tell you. Oh. And I guess a third discovery..apparently 'revelatory' isn't a word - opinions on that?

************

I already miss being alone. I really haven't had to share my space with anyone in so long - I think I've forgotten how to make sacrifices. We'll see.

***********

The air smells like autumn on this side of Canada. And I really like that.

Sat, 11 Feb 2006 20:09:20 GMT

so, okay. The film house has just acquired these totally gorgeous new G5s, the ones with the built-in webcams?

ummmmmm....long story short...A little photoshoot might have occurred.

Look at me. I'm tear-ing up here. Seriously.

I'm unimpressed with your ideas. I would like to unsubscribe from this conversation

FINALLY! A picture where I can see my resemblance to my mother! (or alternatively, what I'll look like when I finally hook-a-man!)

Socrates-Face!

Surprised-Face!

I'm am now, officially, HAWT! (err....hot)

Lichtenstein-eat-your-heart-out-face!

phew...and I'm spent. *grins*

Chapter 85: Don't even ask....seriously....I mean it.

Fri, 10 Feb 2006 08:12:48 GMT

I dream of a field of epiphanies,
where forget-me-nots tickle my cheeks.

Where I weave a chain of optimism
and crown us kings and queens.

Where swallows drink from
streams of thought
of varying obsessions.

Where wild grow the faithful

and careless grow the weeds.

Chapter 83: I want to see it faded, faded.

Thu, 26 Jan 2006 17:37:08 GMT

I like sleeping. *laughs*.

It's so refreshing to wake up refreshed. Opening my eyes, I can see the sunny shadows, and I feel grrrrreat. I have been going over some of my old posts and decided that they aren't accurate portrayals. We only write when we're feeling unhappy, wistful or sick. What about when we're actually feeling fine? I'm ridden with acne-like angst. I think I've always misunderstood emotion. Like if I don't make them suffer, then it's not real. That's so stupid. So what if you didn't make an impact? Maybe it's because you actually made them feel comfortable/happy. Shouldn't that be enough? I've given you the gift of not having to think about me. I'm not grateful when I'm writing...happiness lacks eloquence. I want to live in those moments that I left behind without poetry.

Chapter 81: Keep you occupied...tonight.

Tue, 24 Jan 2006 06:38:52 GMT

I imagine you as a bitch as bad and spiteful
As Jezebel - then confuse you with Judith's tears
Shining taller than Holoferne's glinting spears...
(When you sniff the acoustics of your nose are delightful)

Five minutes ago I was young, five minutes ago
I loved a woman...but I grew old suddenly,
Immersed in literature and decadent philosophy...
(But I can be two men if I have to.)

I will seem to you like a man seen on the street
Several times, who unaccountably disappeared,
But was not missed or ever really here...
(Unlike the man delivering beer from Porlock's Grocery.)

Coleridge knew you, and maybe Shelley,
Rhodomontade and hyperbole.
Rhetoric, metaphor, embroidery...
(Love is ambivalence and sex is a bully.)

Love is ambivalence and sex is a bully,
But I can be two men if I have to,
Unlike the man delivering beer from Porlock's Grocery...
(When you sniff the acoustics of your nose are delightful.)

a little late...

Mon, 23 Jan 2006 18:58:05 GMT

okay so - read the subject header...I know it's a little late...but still funny...

Dear Santa...

Dear Santa,

This year I've been busy!

In November I set givenscissors's puppy on fire (-66 points). Last Wednesday I committed genocide... Sorry about that, energy_miser (-5000 points). In February I bought porn for ridemycamel (-10 points). Last week I stole esizzle's purse (-30 points). In March I gave qallunaaq a Dutch Oven (-10 points).

Overall, I've been naughty (-5116 points). For Christmas I deserve a spanking!

Sincerely,
adrienne

Chapter 80: Fever Dream

Thu, 19 Jan 2006 15:50:00 GMT

my hands still smell like your skin.

and best line ever: "you're startlingly intelligent, and you use it in interesting ways".

EDITED TO ADD: I'm actually glad you're acting this way - makes me remember the reality of the situation. I usually get so upset when people I respect don't live up to my (note: impossibly high) expectations...But in this particular case, I've realised that if they don't, then I don't have to keep respecting them......hah. Maybe I'm growing. I actually feel good about this.

EDITED EDITED TO ADD: Okay...so now you're being amazing again...gagh....argh....grumble...brains, BRAINS! gack.

"You weren't supposed to leave the country, eh?"

Fri, 06 Jan 2006 08:44:40 GMT

okay - I just want to say that I MUST purchase a DVD of "French Kiss"...I'm currently watching a version I taped 10 years ago and it constantly flashes into black and white, and there is a constant buzz and scratching and fuzz and ARGGGHHHHHH...anyways. Just wanted to let you know.

Chapter 79: Bah Humbug

Mon, 02 Jan 2006 01:56:51 GMT

The Self-Destruction Handbook - 12 Steps to a Drinking "Problem"

Okay - after having completed the previous quiz, you've probably realized that the first step to self-destruction is admitting that you do not have a problem. But of course, you want a problem..and one of the most common-tried-and-true problems is the drinking problem...This isn't the sort of thing that you can do alone though, you're going to need enablers, drinking buddies, and role-models even...And thanks to my handy-dandy handbook, here's a description of two of these important partners: The Drinking Buddy, and Your Enabler.

Who's Your Buddy?
Drinking buddies should be genial and, most importantly, constantly available. It is also recommended that your drinking buddy be substantially less attractive than you, though free of any obvious physical deformity that might hinder their effectiveness as your wingman.

What's A 'Wingman'?

A "wingman" is a friend whose presence allows you to engage two members of the opposite sex in conversation. It is important that you 'wingman' seem attractive enough to encourage the other duo to come over, but not so attractive that you yourself are demoted to talking to the other team's lesser member.

************

The typical drinking buddy/wingman will possess a single unfortunate facial feature - a lazy eye, for instance, or disturbingly prominent gums. Those desiring a somewhat trendier 'buddy' look may want to consider someone with a mild mental or neurological handicap. Neurologically challenged people can actually appear very attractive from a distance, and it is only once the conversation has commenced that your chosen interlocutors will notice something amiss. They will most likely assume that your friend is inebriated and/or a member of a fraternity. Even should they divine the truth, however, no remotely PC person will be able to withdraw from the conversation for at least several minutes, thus giving you a comfortable amount of time in which to make your move.

&

Find Your Enabler
As your erratic behavior begins to alienate those close to you, it is important that you cultivate a relationship with someone who will care for you no matter how low you sink, someone you will be able to use and manipulate even while barely conscious. This person is your enabler.
Strong yet docile, enablers are like gentle herd beasts on the great plain of life.

Enabler Wrangling
Enabler wrangling is a delicate skill, and you must understand the bovine nature of your enabler if you are going to milk the situation for all it's worth. Enablers value themselves primarily in terms of their ability to nurture and benefit others, and the more you are able to undermine their confidence, the more they will seek to bolster their self-esteem by being a good nurturer to you.
It may seem counterintuitive that someone would be nice to you because you are cruel to them, but this is the way of enablers. Phrases such as "gaining a little weight there?" and "Can't you do anything right?" can be extremely useful in prodding your enabler to do your bidding. Indeed, the beauty of the true enabler is that the more uncivil you become, the more they want to "be there" for you. It is almost too easy. Of course, this is assuming that you are able to find yourself a genuine enabler, and therein lies the rub. The difficult thing is not so much cultivating a good enabler once you've found them, but tracking down and corralling them in the first place.
The best enablers generally come from hearty and reliable enabler stock, and a family history of enabling is perhaps the best indicator that they will instinctively be both caretaking and docile.

TOMORROW: Renouncing God and How to Engage in an Inappropriate And Degrading Alcohol-Related Sexual Encounter (Remember Tim and Tina?)

Chapter 78: Christmas Presents (with the archaic pronunciation)

Thu, 29 Dec 2005 21:01:12 GMT

So my brother got me this book for Christmas:
"The Self-Destruction Handbook - 8 Steps to An Unhealthier You"

of course, as he hands it to me, he goes: "I don't think you need this..."

BUT ignoring my own capacity for ne'er-do-well, I'm sure that all you lovely readers out in L(j)and could probably use a few pointers. So I'm going to post one every day. (And by every day, I mean, some days, when I feel like it).

Before we get started though, I though I should post some disclaimers:

PUBLISHER'S DISCLAIMER
This book may be hazardous if read without irony

AUTHOR'S DISCLAIMER
If you cause yourself unwanted harm because of something you read in this book, then you are an idiot

Okay, so if you don't possess irony or just happen to be an idiot...please stop reading now.

Still here?

Okay, but you still may not need this sort of information...Why not take this small quiz to find out?

Do You have A Drinking Problem?

1. What Time do you normally begin drinking?

a. After Work...............................................................(5 points)
b. Noon or before .......................................................(10 points)
c. No idea - pawned watch for beer money..................(15 points)

2. After a night of drinking, have you ever:

a. Awakened next to someone unattractive?..................(5 points)
b. Awakened next to someone you didn't
recognize?....................................................................(10 points)
c. Awakened next to Charlie Sheen?..............................(25 points)

3. If pulled over and asked to walk a straight line, would you be most
likely to:

a. Vomit? .....................................................................(5 points)
b. Offer the officer "one for the road"?..........................(25 points)

4. When your wife threatens to leave you, do you generally?

a. Tell her to go ahead and git her fat butt on outta
the trailer?....................................................................(5 points)
b. Contemplate over a fine cognac the existential
vagaries that have led to this particular nadir?...............(10 points)
c. Offer her "one for the road"?....................................(25 points)

5. This question to be answered while drunk:

a. a...............................................................................(5 points)
b. b...............................................................................(5 points)
c. Huh? .........................................................................(10 points)

So....how did you do?

Chapter 77: Break Dance, Not Hearts

Wed, 28 Dec 2005 19:27:05 GMT

.....a Ha, a Ha, A ha....

okay - I was just fucking around...but it was so hi-larious that I had to post it:


whiny little-girl music is love
brought to you by the isLove Generator

*coughs*

tru dat.

you didn't see AN-EE-THING! turn the page

Tue, 06 Dec 2005 23:45:36 GMT




pssssssssssssssssssst....


here's some stuff I want for gift-giving-month:

New Knits on the Block: A Guide to Knitting What Kids Really Want  RECEIVED!
by Vickie Howell


Knitorama: 25 Great & Glam things to Knit
by Rachael Matthews 
MQ Publications
$16.95us/see here

Last-Minute Knitted Gifts
by Joelle Hoverson
Stewart, Tabori & Chang
$25.13can/see here